Agravaine the evil uncle's tale
by Aquillo
Summary: An origin story, in which Agravaine rides around the place doing evil things, because that is what he does, and Merlin takes it upon himself to stop him, because that is what he does. One-shot parody of series four, and Merlin in general I guess.


_I __ain__'__t __the __Beeb__, __so __quit __bugging __me __about __it__._

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><p>The courtyards of Camelot buzzed with activity like a buzzy hive, people pouring in and out with full and empty containers. They jostled and rubbed shoulders with one another as their baskets mysteriously clinked together. If the guards had been paying any attention, they might have noticed that there were more empty baskets going in than there were coming out, but they didn't, as it was usually of no real consequence. The often-practiced drill was that Uther would ride out and take it back from the peasants after having given them a few days grace of playing about in Morgana's dresses and letting small children fence with weapons of ancient and unspeakable power. The damage done both in the thieving and in the retrieving was usually minimal, but now - with Uther ill and Arthur effectively in charge - the peasants were beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, this might be their chance to steal everything not bolted down in Camelot and sell it on the black-market before the naïve young prince cottoned on. And so Camelot was abuzz with activity.<p>

Striding amongst the crowd was Agravaine, Arthur's uncle on his mother's side, his black robes swirling in the wind and adding an impressive ambience to the rest of his clothing, which was also black and really quite stylish. With one hand he led forth an equally striking white horse, which carefully picked its way through the crowd by means of ignoring them and just barging people out of the way. After a few seconds of glancing around, he spotted what he was looking for and made his way over to one of the guard posts. The guards of Camelot were generally considered quite useless, given their ability to let anyone wearing a hood (A sure sign of a wicked practitioner of magic (or that it was raining)) pass straight on by, but they did still have their uses, for which Agravaine was grateful.

"Excuse me." Agravaine said, drawing up to one of the guards guarding the guard post by the front gate. After a few seconds, the guard yawned and rubbed at his face, his open and alert expression fading as his hand rubbed off the eyes he'd drawn onto his face several hours before.

"Issit time to change, then?" he grumbled sleepily, before bolting upright as he saw who it was. "My lord!" he said, saluting and standing to attention.

"Yes, yes. Very good. Glad I got your attention, but look," Agravaine said, waving off the guard's half-muttered apologies and excuses. "I need a horse." The guard looked behind Agravaine at the pure white stallion standing there, its bulk blocking from view a train of peasants making off with one of Camelot's priceless statues.

"You have a horse," he said bluntly, before nestling himself back into the corner he'd been leaning in when Agravaine arrived.

"No. Well, yes, but I need a black horse. What I really need is a darker-than-the-darkest-night one. This one's all holy-and-pure-white, and it simply won't do," Agravaine replied, the reins slipping off from his gloved hand and slopping onto the guard's shoulders, leaving behind a trail of mud over his once clean tunic.

"My Lord, what are you on about," the guard said, nose twitching as he managed to ignore the stain. Agravaine sighed, and got himself ready for a long conversation by leaning amicably on the horse.

"Look," he said, spreading one of his arms wide. "I only wear black, and we both know that I'll just look silly on a white horse. Besides, black is the colour of evil after all."

"Evil, my lord?"

"Yes, evil. I am the evil uncle, after all, and one of the few perks that comes with being evil is good fashion. It's the only perk, really. Turns out being evil means everyone hates you, you see, and-" he was interrupted as the guard drew his sword.

"If you are evil then you must die, lord or no!" the guard shouted, preparing himself to strike. Agravaine waited till he moved forwards before cunningly stepping away from the horse, allowing the guard to fall to the ground and further muddying his tunic as he did so.

"Oh, cut it out will you. Both King Uther and Arthur know I'm evil, you clutz," Agravaine said, dusting the dust off his finely made gloves as he did so. The guard spluttered some mud from out his mouth, twisting round to look up at Agravaine in surprise.

"The King knows?"

"Of course he does. Everyone knows that whoever you select as an advisor is bound to turn out evil in the end, so King Uther just cut out the middleman and ordered me to be evil. Don't worry," he said, offering his hand and pulling the guard half up before dropping him back in the mud again. "Arthur had the same reaction until I'd explained it all to him with interpretive dance when he was twelve. That cleared the air a bit, even though he had tried to kill me."

"Can't imagine why," the guard muttered to himself as he pulled himself up.

"Look," Agravaine said, a pained expression on his face. "I don't really want to be evil, but it's the way things have to be. Some people have to build things for the good of Camelot. Others have to get burned at the stake because Uther thinks their witches, and everyone's too frightened to tell him the leaves are meant to fall off each year. It just so happens that I have to go around doing generally despicable things. I don't like it, and neither do the people I do it too, but that's the way things have to be. Now, will you go and get me my black horse!"

The guard did indeed go and get Agravaine's black horse, and a very black horse it was. Agravaine looked like a very imposing lump of blackness on it, as if he could, at any moment, be conjuring up more evil deeds with which to impose upon a kindly and unsuspecting world.

"So, where are you going?" the guard called out, as Agravaine's horse trotted towards the front gate, bumping into people and breaking their favourite pots as it went. Or the King's favourite pots, if he was being accurate. Thieving peasants.

"To scheme!" Agravaine called out, and his horse broke into a canter in what was probably a very evil fashion.

* * *

><p>"Uther will pay for what he did to me," Morgana said, frowning out of her cottage's window and into the forest that surrounded it. Agravaine was shocked by how different she looked since she'd been at Camelot: her hair was all dishevelled. It was almost as if she'd just been dragged backwards through a bush. Or as if her hair-stylist had been dragged through a bush and found they'd liked the style, because, for some reason, it almost looked as if it was intentional. And the dresses she wore nowadays seemed like a collection of rags that somehow managed to be quite stylish, again, as if by intention. It was as if Morgana had put a great deal of effort into trying to make it appear as if she'd put in no effort at all. The effect reminded him, almost, of a young woman he'd once met from the kingdoms to the south, specifically the kingdom of Bonham-Carter. She looked completely and utterly mad.<p>

After Morgana seemed to be making no movement at all from glaring silently out of the shabby-cottage-she-now-called-home's window, Agravaine realised that he was supposed to speak. He scrambled around his head for ideas.

"Well, what's Uther done then," he asked, thinking he'd best get to the bottom of it. Morgana whipped round, her wide eyes doing little to stop him questioning her sanity.

"What's he done? Only unjustly persecuted my people, and-"

"No he hasn't," Agravaine interrupted. "It was entirely just. He made a law all about it: don't practice magic round me or I'll kill you. Couldn't really be clearer."

"It's a stupid law, and no-one should have to follow it," Morgana countered, one of her eyes twitching. Agravaine remembered how she hated being interrupted, and chalked it up as one of the new evil things he'd done today.

"You can't just not follow a law because you don't like it, Morgana: think of what it'd be like if people did that about stealing. It'd be chaos, and besides: it's not like Uther hid the law and then jumped out saying 'gotcha' everytime a person broke it. He made his opinion on the matter quite clear. He had a little rant about it nearly every chance he got. All the magic-users could have just used their heads and gone to another kingdom. It's not exactly like Camelot's the only one, is it?"

"That's not the point," Morgana said, stamping her foot angrily and disturbing a cauldron, which began to roll round and round the room before clunking solidly into her ankle. "He's completely evil and what he's done is unforgivable."

"Well... you're evil too, you know. Probably more evil, actually. That's why I'm working with you, you see, as you fill my evilness quota right up for the week, which means I don't have to go round stabbing people and causing another scene like that one in the Tavern. I apologised for that, of course, but-"

"I AM NOT EVIL!" Morgana screamed at the top of her lungs, her wide open mouth making her look, if anything, less deranged and more psychopathic. Agravaine sighed, and began to shake his head slowly.

"I'm afraid you are, Morgana: you've tried to kill everyone in Camelot; wanted to murder your own father on multiple occasions and now want to kill your own Brother because his presence is inconvenient; attempted to ruin the happiness of your best friend because of a bad dream you had; fought a war because you thought you should be in charge and then became quite a crappy ruler-"

"You helped with all of that," Morgana interrupted, looking a little bit dazed as the realisation began to sink in. "And it doesn't matter anyway. I'm not evil."

"Of course I helped: I have to be evil by royal decree. There's no fighting that, and anyway I thought we were talking about you being evil, not me. And you most certainly are." Morgana fumed silently for a few seconds before pointing sternly at the door.

"Get out," she said, her voice breaking slightly as she struggled to control her temper. Agravaine shrugged and went outside, the sounds of things being thrown and breaking against other things ringing out as the door closed behind him. It seemed Morgana was having a tantrum. Again.

"I can hear all that. It's only a door!" Agravaine called out as Morgana began cursing wildly. "And our conversation isn't over yet. You are so evil."

"NO I'M NOT I HAVE VALID REASONS!" Morgana practically screamed back, objects breaking and throwing themselves around the room as her magical fury heightened.

"No you don't!" Agravaine replied as a potted plant flew out of the window next to him. "You just want to be queen again, and that's not a good reason at all. It's quite an evil reason, actually. You've already been queen, and guess what? You were an evil queen! You terrorised everyone and persecuted people even worse than Uther did! You. Are. Evil."

There were more shrieks of rage from the hut, and pieces of the ceiling began to drift past Agravaine like shards of weird, wooden rain. Abandoning this meeting as a lost cause, Agravaine mounted his horse and rode back to Camelot. He looked rather like a black shadow sweeping the land in what was probably a very evil fashion.

* * *

><p>"Uncle, just what are you doing?" Arthur said as he entered the room, his faithful servant Merlin lagging behind him like a stage-shy shadow. Agravaine was standing near the dining tables, carefully pouring a strange liquid from a bright green bottle into a water jug. He looked up as Arthur spoke and gave him a bright smile, waving the bottle towards him so that the skull and crossbones printed on it was clearly visible.<p>

"Just poisoning the water," Agravaine said cheerfully, before catching sight of Arthur's expression "Oh, don't worry! It's not for you, just for the Servants. You see, I was running a bit low on evil deeds this week and I needed a top-up. Sorry about that."

"Oh, there's no need to apologise: it was entirely my fault for interrupting you. Carry on, then," Arthur replied with a wave of his hand. Merlin looked at him with something approaching disbelief, and turning round and seeing this seemed to cause a part of Arthur's brain to recheck what he'd just said.

"Err, actually, no. No, don't do that. We need the Servants to do things for us." Merlin's jaw dropped open. "Err, what I meant to say is that it's bad to kill people. Very, very bad." Arthur mused on this for a few seconds, before concluding "Almost evil, actually." Agravaine looked confused.

"Forgive me, Arthur, but that's kind of the whole point."

"Yes," Arthur said, clapping his hands together and narrowing his eyes. "Yes it is, isn't it. Hmm." he seemed to ponder it for a few moments as Agravaine took the chance to empty the entire bottle into the jug.

"You couldn't take this for me, could you?" he said, handing the bottle over to Merlin, who was too confused to reject it at first and now stood there holding it and feeling quite foolish.

"If you need to poison someone, couldn't you just poison yourself?" Arthur ventured. Agravaine shook his head slowly.

"No, that wouldn't be evil, just quite stupid."

"Evil people are stupid," Merlin retorted before he could stop himself. The other two looked at him in shock.

"Merlin, what an incredibly rude thing to say. Apologise now," Arthur said. Agravaine looked hurt by his words.

"I'm sorry, but I'm right! This situation makes no sense. Why does Agravaine have to be evil?"

Arthur and Agravaine looked at each other, and then back at Merlin, their expressions suggesting that they hadn't quite understood the question.

"Because he's my Uncle," Arthur said, crossing his arms and looking at Merlin as if he was being particularly stupid. "And my advisor." Agravaine nodded wisely. Merlin could feel his opinion of the two of them lowering.

"But why can't you just not be evil. Look, it's easy. Here I am, standing here; not poisoning anybody. Simple!"

Agravaine slapped his forehead in dismay. "You're quite right. You are just standing there. Where are my manners: here, both of you, take a seat." Arthur and Merlin parked themselves down on the table, Merlin doing it a tad more cautiously than Arthur.

"Thirsty?" Agravaine said, offering Merlin the water jug.

"What? No, look, just answer my question: why do you have to be evil?" Agravaine sighed, before speaking very slowly and clearly, as if to a small child.

"I'm his uncle. And his advisor. An uncle who is also his advisor. Do you get it?"

"He has to be evil," Arthur said, as Merlin groaned and gave up. "Has been since the day I turned eleven, and needed someone to advise me in things."

"Ah, I remember it well. Of course, back then I hadn't done many evil things so it was really quite easy to find them. I could start off small. You know, do simple things like leaving the candles on or putting itching powder in the guard's clothes. Now I have to kill someone just to make it through the week. It just keeps on getting harder and harder to be truly evil."

Merlin looked at him with horror. "And what happens when killing people isn't enough?"

"Well, I guess Arthur will just have to stop needing an advisor then, won't you lad?" Agravaine said, cuffing Arthur carefully round the chin.

"Oh, I don't know uncle. I'd be completely lost without you. Why, the past couple of years just wouldn't have been the same without you."

The two laughed pleasantly to themselves at the thought of Agravaine not being present for previous events, as Merlin anxiously chewed his lip.

"Anyway, lads, as much as I'd love to stand here and natter all day, I've got work to do," he shook the water jug playfully. "Be seeing you soon, Arthur. Hopefully even sooner for you, Merlin."

Merlin shuddered slightly at the ominous remark, before turning to Arthur. "We have to stop him, or he could kill off half of Camelot!" he said, shaking a listless Arthur's shoulder before his hand was shrugged off.

"Well, go on then. Go warn everyone about it if you want to save them. It only matters if Agravaine thinks he's been evil, after all." Arthur pushed himself from off the table, sending a few apples rolling off the table. A mouse sniffed at one of them before keeling over. Not that the apple had been poisoned: the mouse was just allergic to apples. As, to a small extent, are we all.

"Where are you going?" Merlin said, rising as well as Arthur trooped out of the opposite door from the one Agravaine had just left by.

"I'm going to bed. If I don't spend the next few scenes in there, people might start getting suspicious. Think I'm acting out of character," Arthur called back, his voice getting increasingly fainter as he moved away down the castles corridors.

"What? Oh, never mind: I'll do it myself, you stupid, selfish... thingamajig!" Merlin called back, before going out to stop Agravaine from poisoning people in what was probably a very evil fashion.

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><p>"Gaius!" Merlin shouted as he burst into the Physician's chambers for the first time since he'd left his breakfast for Gaius to clean up. Again. Sighing, Gaius abandoned the potion he'd been working on and whatever chance he'd probably had of curing the plague that had been plaguing the citizens of Camelot for the past seven years. After all, how could actually doing his job as a Physician stand in the way of whatever trouble it was that Merlin always seemed to attract to himself? How could it possibly?<p>

Turning in his seat, Gaius addressed the rapidly approaching Warlock; the chemicals behind him letting out their gentle fumes into the air in such a fashion that any modern chemist would have immediately run from the room.

"Yes Merlin, what's happened now? Have the harpies invaded? Is Camelot beset by ravenous flying crocodiles? Is there an affliction of magical blight? Or has another one of Morgana's dark and mysterious plots begun to resolve itself? What magical ailment has befallen Camelot this week?" Gaius leant forwards, curious, as always, to learn what new breed of death had decided to attack Camelot and probably Arthur for what was often the flimsiest of reasons.

"Nothing magical, Gaius. It's far worse than magic. Agravaine is being evil." Gaius flopped back into his seat, disappointment on his face as Merlin looked on dramatically.

"I already know that, Merlin. Everyone knows about that. It's a very common occurrence, like having the sun come up or Uther hating magic. He's always being evil just as he's always been evil."

"Well, I've just had to stop him poisoning most of the servants. I had to risk using magic to purify the water in his jug. Twice! Gaius, I don't think you're appreciating how serious this is. Agravaine clearly needs to be stopped."

"Why?" Gaius said, folding his arms and staring Merlin straight on in the face. "It's perfectly legal."

"Why? He's killing people, Gaius, and I've got to stop it, regardless of how 'legal' it is!"

"Then why not stop Uther? He's been killing people nearly every day since you got here, and for reasons far less reasonable than Agravaine," Gaius replied levelly, his eyes quietly staring Merlin down.

Merlin squirmed slightly under his look, before answering "Well, I can't stop Uther because he's King, and if I tried Arthur wouldn't trust me anymore and that would stop my destiny from coming true."

"So what you're saying is that so long as it doesn't contradict this magical destiny you think you have, it absolutely fine to kill people?" Gaius shook his head, disappointment etched onto his old, wrinkled face. "I am disappointed, Merlin," he said, his words drenched with a disappointment he felt most dearly in his heart, before turning around and moving his attention back onto his chemicals.

"You're not going to help me, are you?" Merlin said, as Gaius lifted one of the still fuming tubes up to the light and peered through it.

"Nope," Gaius said, before ignoring him completely. Merlin wasted a few seconds standing behind him aimlessly and trying to think of a way in which to proceed. Eventually, he got one.

"Fine then, Gaius. If you won't find me a generic magical artefact with some root in Celtic history to help save the day, I'll have to go and find one myself."

"Good," Gaius said as Merlin stomped from the room. Perhaps he'd get some progress done in finding a way to cure that plague after all.

Merlin dusted off the book he'd brought from the library not ten seconds ago, casually flipping through it until a piece of paper resting in the spine stopped him. Merlin quickly glanced over the page, a grin settling over his face as he realised that it described exactly what he was looking for. The book seemed to be talking about some stone or other stored in the castle's vaults that could erase specific memories from absolutely everyone. If he used it to erase everyone's reasons for why Agravaine was allowed to be evil then everyone would turn against him and he would stop being evil! Another problem solved without any more people dying. Brilliant.

All the joy in Merlin's heart froze though as, after having returned the book and been on his way to Arthur's chambers to retrieve the vault's key (really, he should just learn how to unlock the thing magically one of these days), he remembered and read the piece of paper that had been marking those pages in the book.

Reading aloud the lines that had made his heart so cold, Merlin intoned out into the passageway "My Evil Plan, by... by... Agravaine!" Merlin felt sure that, had anyone else been there, they would have gasped at the implications behind this. Being alone, however, meant that no-one else gasped and Merlin, feeling the loss keenly, gasped himself. For the revelation was a huge one.

Not only did this mean that Agravaine was evil and that Merlin had been right all along (he ignored, for the moment, that Agravaine freely told everyone he met this particular revelation), but it also meant that Agravaine knew all about the stone. Merlin gasped again from the horror of it.

"Merlin!" Arthur's voice called out from behind him, causing a rising dawn of hope to rise inside Merlin's chest. "There you are. We've been looking all over for you."

"Arthur!" Merlin cried out, turning round. "I knew you wouldn't abandon the servants so you could spend... all day... in bed."

Behind Merlin stood Leon, Gwaine, Percival and Elyan, though that wasn't quite a total description of the scene behind him. For each knight was holding onto a post of Arthur's bed, said bed being held up between them and filling up most of the hall. And in that bed was Arthur Pendragon himself, his top bare and the covers thrown loosely over him.

"I said I'd be in bed, Merlin: I never said I planned on doing nothing. After all, don't you know how busy I have to be right now? I've got all sorts of planning to do to counteract Morgana's evil plots. I have to work tirelessly, for the safety of Camelot and all her citizens," Arthur finished, dramatically striking a pose that was only slightly ruined by virtue of his circumstances and the faces Gwaine was pulling as he made it.

"Erm, yeah. Right. Well, I've got to go and..." Merlin cast his mind round, sorting through the list of chores he was assigned every day before finding one that fit every and all circumstances. "I've got to go and wash your clothes."

"Wait," Arthur called back, as Merlin scurried underneath the bed and rushed out the other side. "I said wait!" he continued as Merlin ignored him, and continued on his run towards Arthur's chambers. "Look, you don't need to wash my clothes. I'm not going to be wearing any every again. It's just gonna be me and the bed from now on."

"Are you telling us," Elyan said, a little indignantly. "That you plan on doing this for more than one day."

"Of course!" Arthur replied, astounded that his knights could have ever supposed that his brilliant idea would be confined to a one off. "If we combine all the walking parts with all the bed parts, then we'll be able to fit even more into the day! Anyway, come one! He's getting away! Mush!" Arthur motioned as if he was on a horse, pointing down the corridor at the retreating back of Merlin.

As one man, Leon, Elyan and Gwaine dropped the bed, leaving Percival holding it up by himself. For a moment he considered carrying it around by himself, but then realised that that was not what he'd signed up for, and dropped it with a thump. He couldn't really remember why he'd signed up in the first place, truth be told. He'd met Arthur and the others with Lancelot, and had just got swept up in events. He hoped he wasn't missed too badly at home.

Swearing as all his knights abandoned him in the middle of the corridor, Arthur furiously tried to figure out what he should do next: call for clothes or call for Gwen? If only Agravaine could have be here to advise him, Arthur thought mournfully. He surely would have found a solution to the problem in what was probably a very evil fashion.

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><p>Merlin ran gently along one of Camelot's many underground passages towards the vaults, taking care not to slip on the wet floors as he went. The underground passages were seldom guarded as it wasn't known exactly how many there were: at some points they seemed marvellously small, so that he could move from one end to the other in seconds, and yet at the same time they were big enough that Uther could fit a Dragon down here with room to stretch its wings, and still leave room for a dungeon, a vault, lots of passages going nowhere and still more that led outside. In other words, they were completely un-mappable, and finding your way through them was more a case of good luck than it was skill. And if Merlin was one thing, he was lucky: it appeared, after he'd arrived at the vault, that the guards had not found their way through today.<p>

A figure, however stepped out behind him as he opened the vault's door, throwing back the long, shadow like cloak he'd wrapped around himself.

"Hello, Merlin. It's me, Agravaine. Care to tell me why you're breaking into the royal vaults?"

Merlin jumped a little at the sound of his voice, and pushed himself back into the vault, Agravaine following with a look of concern on his face. "Merlin, what's the matter?"

"You're going to kill me, aren't you," Agravaine sighed, and nodded once, though he did look like he deeply regretted it.

"Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to. You see, somehow not a single one of the servants died from the poison I gave them, which rather put me back on square one for today's evilness. And you see, killing you down here is quite evil, particularly if I don't tell anyone for a while." Agravaine paused, and put a hand on his chin. "Or I could make you into a dummy and try to fool everyone, or do you think that's taking it too far?"

Merlin gulped, and pushed himself backwards, all the while trying to keep a desperate look out for the crystal, or anything he could use to try and get out of this without resorting to magic.

"But of course, killing you if you're breaking into the royal vaults isn't exactly very evil of me, is it Merlin? I mean, killing a thief's practically a good deed, or at the very least it's morally neutral. So. Let's talk about the real reason you're here. Oh, and it's over there." Agravaine pointed behind him, and sure enough, sitting on a shelf, was the crystal.

"It was a trap. The crystal, the book; even the note was a trap," Merlin said, taking out the Evil Plan he'd found within the book's pages. Agravaine took it off him, and read it, before looking back at him curiously.

"Did you even read this?"

"Not much more than I had too. It said 'Evil Plan' at the top. That's as evil as you can get."

"First line," Agravaine said, straightening the crumpled piece of paper. "The first rule of the bunny republic is that peace and love are to be forever preserved."

"What? Let me see that!" Merlin cried, snatching and accidentally tearing the paper, leaving the title and signature in Agravaine's hands. He quickly scanned it, and realised that instead of being a document about Agravaine's secret bunny love, it was instead a document blaming Uther for all and any actions caused by Agravaine, with Uther's signature and seal at the bottom.

Effectively, Merlin realised, the document made Uther responsible for each and every one of Agravaine's actions. Not that it mattered much, if he was being honest. Agravaine was still killing people, and Merlin still had to stop him. Or at least try to.

"Why did you lie?" Merlin asked, trying to swallow and finding that his mouth was too dry for him to do so.

"Because I needed to know who else might be involved, and you just proved that you can read. That's quite rare, even for the prince's servant." Agravaine said, with a smile. "Means I don't have to worry about someone bursting in at the wrong time and trying to do something stupid, like save you. Or have them trying to use the crystal, even though it wouldn't work for them or anyone left in Camelot. And that's the ultimate irony! In order to stop me, Merlin, you'd have to have magic in order to use the crystal, and you don't..."

Agravaine looked at Merlin. Merlin looked at Agravaine.

"You've got magic, haven't you," Agravaine said, sighing as he ran a palm along his forehead. Merlin grasped the initiative and quickly seized his chance. The Crystal went flying forwards, hitting Agravaine solidly in the back of the head as it went and knocking him unconscious before Merlin caught the stone firmly in his palm.

Closing his eyes, Merlin whispered the words he'd memorised before:

"Deus ex machina!"

There was a blinding flash of light, and everyone, which unfortunately included both Merlin and Agravaine, immediately forgot the reasons why Agravaine had ever been evil and that he had ever been evil at all. Confused as to why he was standing in the vaults holding on to an old rock, Merlin carefully replaced it. Not noticing Agravaine, he managed to silently sneak back up to the main castle, hoping that whatever had happened wouldn't have done too much damage in what was probably a very evil fashion.

* * *

><p>His head still ringing, Agravaine pushed himself up from the floor, his limbs numb from having laid too still for too long. Thoughts began clamouring for his attention within his head yet melted away as soon as he thought too hard about them. Trying to remember how he'd got here was another problem, as it seemed that he was missing most of the memories of his life: he could remember almost nothing. Patting his pockets for some clue as to how he'd got here, Agravaine pulled out a piece of paper and begin to read.<p>

"My Evil Plan," he read. "By... By Agravaine. Why, that's me." He paused to consider this, and as he did he became more and more certain that he was, in fact, evil. How could he be anything else, with a piece of paper like this in his pocket. No other explanation would do. Even being down here, in what some distant part of his brain registered as the vault, was probably the result of some evil plan or other thought up by him. Yes, he was evil and by gum did he know it.

Straightening himself, Agravaine mentally prepared himself for the excuses he would have to give when he got out, and, by the gods, he'd give those excuses in what would probably be a very evil manner.

* * *

><p><em>Author<em>_'__s __notes__:_

I don't actually think there's that much wrong with Merlin, despite what the writing above may suggest. I generally think that it's a very good, brilliantly acted and well written show that has occasional flights of inexcusable silliness. The entire character of Agravaine is one of those flights, whose main role seems to be that of a character who's evil purely for the purpose of being evil, and I'd originally intended for this to just be about his silliness until it... well... snowballed. So, above is nearly every single Merlin-gripe I've been able to fit into the aspect of one story, including my two biggest of "Why is Agravaine randomly evil" and "Why does Arthur spend about half of most episodes in bed" (seriously, there's so many.) I hope you enjoyed it, and, regardless, thanks for reading. Bye!


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